(SONG PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)
Listen up Got don'ts and dos
You got hot I got typecast
Gonna have to break all the rules
'Cause I'm cool and wacky
I feel like a wrong man throwing out the rules
Out of control and spacey
Don't tell me what I ought not to do
I reserve the right to get crazy
(SINGING) I reserve that right
I reserve the right to be all intelligent
I reserve the right I meant exactly what I meant
I reserve the right Guess who's doin' yours?
I reserve that right
(CAMERA CLICKING)
MAN: Help me! Please! Please! Somebody help me!
Help me! Please, help me! He's coming!
He's coming after me! Help! Help me!
(GRUNTING) Help me!
I gotcha, man. I gotcha.
Give me your other hand.
Help! I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
No!
(PANTING)
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
(SNARLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
(SNARLING)
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)
(SNAPPING)
Stow that cell phone.
You can't get a signal out here, and that's the way I like it.
(PANTING) That was him. The Graboid.
Affirmative. You've just been greeted by El Blanco.
Did you kill him?
He's protected. An endangered species. Concussion grenades.
Non-lethal, but the loud noise drives him away.
Good.
For a few minutes.
Hey, there was another guy.
What?
A hiker or someone. It got him.
Damn. Damn! Not again.
(STUTTERING) It was bad, man.
I mean, it just swallowed him. It was horrible.
Trust me. I know what it's like.
And nothin' we can do for the poor guy now.
Yours?
No, mine's under there.
Dodge Charger, V-8, 326 horse...
Tourist? Stopped to take a picture of the sign.
Yeah, but I'm not actually a tourist.
Left the radio on, engine running.
I keep telling 'em that sign does more harm than good.
(WRIST-SEISMO BUZZING)
El Blanco's comin' back for more. Let's move out.
Burt Gummer.
Man, am I lucky you came along when you did.
Luck had nothin' to do with it.
I monitor my geo-phone network 24l7.
Knew you were comin'. Saw where you stopped.
I track all seismic vibrations in the Valley.
You said that on 60 Minutes.
Made me look like I was some kind of antisocial, para-military paranoid.
And right in the middle, Chang's Discount Market.
Discount?
Well, discount's just what we call it.
Located right in the heart of downtown Melville.
(SCOFFS) Melville.
Melvin, you would actually rename the town you grew up in after yourself?
Why not? It's all my vision.
I mean, without me, you guys are pretty much futureless around here.
Futureless.
(CLICKING TONGUE) My store's doing just fine, thank you.
And we are steadily growing ourselves into a viable tourist destination.
(SCOFFS) Sure you are. Come on, Jodi.
Now, I'm offering you a chance to become part of the Melco family.
Turn your business into the kind of place your uncle always wanted it to be.
Jodi's uncle loved this valley, Melvin, just like the rest of us.
Oh, everyone except you, that is.
Hey, forgive me, Miss Woodstock of 1969,
but how many ceramic pots does the world need?
And how many mini-malls and tacky tract houses does the world need?
(CAR APPROACHING)
Melvin, look. Here comes your best friend.
(SIGHING)
Lincoln Navigator, luxury package.
There could be one in your future, Jodi. Think about it.
That little turd.
He's a developer, owns half the Valley.
He'd love to turn us into the next Reno.
NANCY: Hi, Burt.
Who's your friend?
Tourist. Stopped to take a picture of that damn sign.
Actually, I'm not a...
Bad news is El Blanco scored another kill.
Oh, no.
Who? A hiker or backpacker.
Probably unregistered. This guy just got his car sucked.
Oh, sorry about that.
Brings us to seven.
That many?
Mmm-hmm.
Oh, yeah, the ATVs.
Nope. Separate list.
Gotta report it to Twitchell.
We got forms to fill out.
These tourists think everything's "Pirates of the Damn Caribbean."
Like I keep tryin' to say, I'm not a tourist.
(CLANGING)
You with the government?
No. Bought myself a business out here.
That.
Desert Jack's Graboid Adventures.
You're gonna restart the tour business?
Yeah. Met Desert Jack himself in Vegas.
Said it's a real money-maker.
That's great. I was wondering who was gonna pay his debts.
Excuse me?
JODl: You see, you buy his business you assume his debts.
It's a law. State Statute 4715-B, section 7.
You know, we should really talk business synergy here.
Okay.
Well, let me see what I got myself into here.
(GRUNTS) Hey!
Who are you?
Guess I'm the new owner of that battery.
Jodi, I thought you said this was all abandoned and stuff.
Not anymore. Rosalita, Tyler. He bought the business.
Bought the business? This business?
Well, yeah.
Oh, I get it. Tax write-off kind of thing, huh?
Nah. Just one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time.
Coming all the way out here seemed like a good idea?
Well, what are you doin' out here, then?
I'm taking care of myself, getting away from people who ask too many questions.
And I guess I'm buyin' myself a new battery.
Jodi, you really get that for a battery?
I'll take 10% down.
Okay, let's start with the injury report. What's your name?
Uh, Tyler Reed, double "E."
Double "E."
You be sure to give Big Brother all your personal data.
NANCY: Burt. Burt.
Now, if you're gonna live here, there's a lot you're gonna need to know
and it's all in this video. You may have heard of it. It's called...
(WRIST-SEISMOS BUZZING)
(MONITOR BEEPING)
(SHUSHING) What's...
(RATTLING)
(CLANGING)
(SIGHS)
... Burt Gummer. Monster Hunter.
Tips for stayin' alive when targeted by Graboids, Shriekers and Ass-Blasters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, was that...
El Blanco, of course.
He comes into town?
You gonna stop him?
If he's gonna hang around,
he could use a wrist-seismo and a right boot.
But how often does this happen?
Not often, about once or twice a day. Here, put this on.
Thanks. No biggie. It goes on your tab.
What tab?
Date of birth? Mother's maiden name?
Blood type?
El Blanco, what have you been up to all day?
(INTERFERENCE ON COMPUTER)
What the hell?
(DONKEYS BRAYING)
(RUMBLING)
(GROANING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Relax. If El Blanco's anywhere nearby, you'll feel your seismo vibrate.
Hmm.
Thought you might want some breakfast?
Oh, thanks.
Aren't you guys kinda pushing the envelope out here?
I mean, he goes right under your store.
Well, we're kinda like the Hindus with the cow.
Excuse me?
El Blanco's endangered. Nobody can touch him.
So that developer, Melvin Plug?
He can't make a move because all this is El Blanco's habitat.
So, the thing that protects your lifestyle also wants to eat you?
Hmm. The word that comes to mind is "paradox."
You'll get used to it.
NANCY: Burt? Wait a sec!
(GRUNTING) Yeah!
I want you to be the first to see my latest creation. Gung Ho Gummer.
This one's for you.
Yeah.
It'll do great in Japan.
You're welcome!
(BLOWING)
(VULTURE CAWING)
I call it Grabboccino.
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Oh, come on!
Sorry, hon, it needs work.
(O VER RADIO) Jodi, Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt.
Got a dirt biker runnin' around out here somewhere. You know anything about it?
Haven't seen him and no one's rented a wrist-seismo.
Idiot. He's just askin' to be Graboid chow. Burt out.
Maybe more nutmeg.
(ENGINE STOPS)
(FLIES BUZZING)
Jodi, Burt here. Come back.
Yeah, Burt.
El Blanco just had himself a wild burro burger.
Guess that backpacker didn't hit the spot.
Ah, Burt, that's cold.
That's Perfection. My point is the dirt biker's safe.
That much food should hold El Blanco for a few days. Burt out.
(ENGINE STARTING)
(COWS MOOING)
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHING)
You gonna be okay today? I could stay.
I've been wondering about something ever since I left Las Vegas.
How come I don't get a day off?
Well, let's put it this way.
Your Uncle Miguel left the ranch to you, not me.
You're buildin' equity, and I'm workin' for minimum wage.
Oh, and, uh, Rosalita, don't overdo it.
You know, ranchin's all about slow and steady.
(CHUCKLING)
What the hell?
All points. Come in. Repeat. All points. Come in. Over.
Burt, I'm tryin' to run a business here.
BURT: Repeat. All points come in, over.
Yeah, Burt, you got Nancy, what's up?
Hold on. Rosalita, do you copy? Rosalita? Do you copy?
(GRUNTS)
Rosalita, do you copy? Rosalita.
BURT: Do you copy? Repeat, do you copy? Over.
(SIGHING)
Repeat. Do you copy? Over.
Jodi, Rosalita's got her walkie-talkie off again. Try to get a hold of her.
I've got six more dead burros here.
It's like he's on a feeding frenzy. Watch your backs.
He's never acted this crazy before.
Jodi, let the new guy know.
Burt out.
What are you looking at? To me, you're just hamburger.
(GRUNTS)
(MOOING)
(WRIST-SEISMO BUZZING)
(SCREAMING)
(EL BLANCO GROWLING)
Burt, come in, Burt. Burt he's here. He's here.
Blanco's here and he is after me.
Copy. Rosalita, what's your 20? Over.
Burt, do not give me those numbers.
Your location, Rosalita, where are you? Over.
ROSALITA ON RADIO: My location is on top of my bunkhouse, and he'd better go away.
(CRASHING)
(SCREAMING)
Burt he's hitting my bunkhouse!
ROSALITA: Burt he's hitting my bunkhouse!
Hang on, headin' your way. ETA is 20 minutes!
Twenty minutes, I'm gonna be dessert for this guy.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(CRASHING)
(ROSALITA EXCLAIMING)
(CAR HONKING)
JODl: Tyler! El Blanco's after Rosalita, and we're closer than Burt.
We gotta get up there now!
I thought you guys coexist.
He's acting crazy, okay? Come on, we gotta move fast.
You wanna move fast, move over.
(ROSALITA SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Hey, Dale Jr., where'd you learn to drive like this?
You know about racin'?
A little.
I learned from Dale Sr.
(SCREAMING)
TYLER: We're blocked in.
Come on, guys! Come on, help me!
(TYLER GRUNTING)
Oh, that sticks.
Really? Really.
ROSALITA: Guys! Help me!
(EL BLANCO SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
ROSALITA: Jump, Jodi!
(SNARLING)
This barn ain't gonna last long.
Yeah, that's why I called you, you know, help me.
All right, you got the keys to your car? Yes, I do.
You sure? Yes!
When we get there let Tyler drive.
Why? Trust me, you'll see.
JODl: We gotta hurry. Cars aren't safe from El Blanco.
Come on. No big deal. Let's go.
I just don't get what's going on with El Blanco.
I thought we had him figured out.
You're gonna figure out a worm?
So, how soon are you planning on selling the business and getting out of here?
Uh, I don't know. The place does have its good points.
You're being sarcastic.
No, I'm not. This place sure isn't boring.
You like almost getting killed?
What, you used to be a fireman, mountain climber, or somethin' like that?
Come on, you saved my life. I think you owe me an explanation.
I do?
Yeah, you do.
I raced cars.
Drove the NASCAR circuit for a while. Southwest tour.
Was workin' my way up to the big money.
But what you really wanted to be was a desert tour guide and sleep in your garage?
I'm in kind of a pit stop at the moment. Let's just leave it at that, okay?
Jodi, Burt here. What's the sit rep on Rosalita? Over.
Hey, Burt, I'm here. I'm fine.
Jodi and Tyler came and got me off the roof.
Hey, what's a sit rep?
Situation report.
Hey, can I come up to your place? 'Cause I sure don't wanna go home now.
Affirmative. Over.
(CAR DOOR OPENING)
Jodi. Rosalita. And I'm, uh, talkin' to...
Hey, Tyler Reed. Just took over the Graboid Tour business.
That a fact? I don't remember approvin' any new residency permits.
A what?
Residency permit.
W.D. Twitchell, Department of the Interior.
Nobody settles in this valley without my say-so.
Excuse me, this is America. Land of the free, you know.
Home of "you can live wherever the hell you wanna live."
Hey, Twitch, um, they're headed to Burt's.
Can you drop me at the store?
Uh, yeah, sure. You got forms to fill out.
He will, he will. Did you get the report about the backpacker?
Of course! That's why I'm here.
I mean, you people don't fill out permits.
How am I supposed to keep track, huh?
(CLICKING TONGUE)
Tyler? Yeah, he is in charge of El Blanco.
If he, like, decides that it's too dangerous to live here,
he can kick all of our asses out of here.
So, be nice, and keep El Blanco trashing my place on the D.L. Got it?
Got it? Got it.
This place is totally nuts, you know that?
Not to be one of those people who ask questions, but I was wonderin',
what are you doin' out here?
I mean, you look like a model or, you know, Vegas showgirl.
(SCOFFS) Well, actually, I was a Vegas showgirl.
You're kidding.
No. I headlined at Tops and Bottoms at the Flamingo.
Sorry I missed it.
You ought to be. It was so artistic.
What you really wanna do is raise cattle and live five miles outside of nowhere?
Rosalita. You sure you're all right?
You told me that I was gonna be safe up there.
That El Blanco didn't like to go up to my ranch
'cause he didn't like the shallow dirt or whatever.
I know. I know, he's never done this before. I can't explain it.
But at least you'll be safe in my place.
(SIGHING)
His place?
You're standing right on top of it.
He lives underground?
Yeah. But it's Graboid-proof.
You see, he built the cement wall under the dirt surrounding his property.
Hmm. Guess it's good to know an antisocial, para-military paranoid at times like this.
Yo! Over here!
I assume you've noticed these.
Dirt bike tracks.
No, not really. Survival tip.
Know your terrain. Be aware of every change.
(INTERFERENCE ON COMPUTER)
What is it, Burt?
BURT: Interference on my geo-phones, again.
Had it yesterday, too. Radio waves.
But very low-frequency. May be a covert op.
Some secret government experiment over at NTS.
Maybe it's not good to know an antisocial, para-military paranoid.
(WRIST-SEISMOS BUZZING)
(GASPING) Worm alert.
No need to worry. Perfect time to employ my USGDS.
Ultrasonic Graboid Defense System.
My own design, surplus parts.
Each unit generates a 10-thousand-cycle tone.
It will overwhelm his sound sensors.
Make my concussion grenade seem like a cap gun.
ROSALITA: (STUTTERING) Well, go, do it, stop him!
Uh, have patience. It's about to come into range right about now.
Oh, Burt, he's still comin'. Isn't he supposed to stop?
Affirmative. Run!
Tyler! Come on! Tyler!
Let's go this way! This way!
TYLER: Where in the hell we goin'?
Follow me!
Bastard just knocked down my fence,
tryin' to get over my underground wall.
But you can't, can you, Shamu?
Just four-inch ABS, couple of mirrors duct taped inside.
Survival tip, just do what you can with what you got.
Why don't you do that bomb thing, Burt, and get rid of him?
Why waste a grenade?
My concrete Graboid barrier is more than a match for him.
TYLER: Like your Graboid defense system.
That was experimental. The wall is a proven concept.
But damn it, that system should have worked. Somethin' has changed in the equation.
Somethin's different around here.
Why are you lookin' at me?
Did you have anything unusual in your car?
Something that might affect a Graboid? Fuzz buster? Contraband receivers?
What are you talking about?
You wear a pacemaker or any other internal electronic device?
Uh, Burt, how long are we gonna be stuck down here?
Once he locates his prey, he just lays in wait.
Could be stuck a couple days.
Days?
Might as well make ourselves comfortable. Anybody hungry?
I haven't eaten since Vegas.
Tyler...
When a flock of ravenous Ass-Blasters kamikazed my house, I had no choice
but to detonate the domicile. I sustained serious collateral damage to my lifestyle.
No insurance?
They claim we're too high-risk.
My insurance was all in silver bars converted to shrapnel by the blast
and disseminated over several acres.
Since then, I've been forced to stretch the food budget with, uh, edible wild plants.
Prickly pear cactus.
Fully de-spined. Not bad with a shot of Tabasco.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Tastes like cactus.
You know, Burt, there's lots of people out there
who'd actually love to learn how to eat this stuff. I mean, for a fee.
You ever consider doin' somethin' like, Burt Gummer's Survival School?
Uh, Tyler. Burt here is not what you would call "people" kind of people.
Well, I'm just thinking,
anyone livin' in a hole in the ground eating cactus,
well, maybe could use some income.
People would pay me?
(MONITOR BEEPING)
(GASPS) He's moving. I think he's leaving, Burt.
He never leaves.
What is going on here?
Probably that surplus Russian satellite I had in my car.
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
Why don't we all go into Bixby.
Just until we figure out why El Blanco's doin' this.
(WHISPERS) Nothing happened at Burt's yesterday.
I know the drill.
(SIGHING)
Residency forms. Read 'em. Sign 'em.
Everybody out here has to do this?
Everybody, including a couple snowbirds,
a few prospectors and one very annoying survivalist.
And snap it up. I got a schedule to keep.
Do you ever think of bein' polite?
Oh, he used to work at the DMV.
Wait a second. You're restrictin' my business to just daylight hours?
Well, it's hard enough keepin' you people alive,
I can't have a bunch of tourists runnin' around here after dark.
I think these folks do a pretty good job
of keepin' themselves alive out here.
What about free enterprise? The plans for my business.
Like my Moonlight Monster Tour?
How do I do that without a moon?
(CHUCKLES) Guess you won't.
(GRUNTS) Wonderful. You brought your cannon.
El Blanco's been misbehavin'.
You shoot that Graboid and I will slap you with a $50,000 fine.
I act only in self-defense.
Tell me, Twitchell, are you holdin' out on us?
Excuse me?
They've done years of research out here
amassing a huge repository of data of all things subterranean,
and who controls that data?
Certain cells in our own government.
And who represents that government?
You been out in the sun too long, Gummer.
You know more than we'll ever know about El Blanco.
Why has he changed his habits? Why has he suddenly got such an appetite?
Well, I really have no idea.
We got a dirt biker runnin' around the Valley.
Never buys gas, water, never comes into town.
You don't know anything about that either?
What the hell are you gettin' at, Gummer?
We all know your life would be easier if we were outta here.
But you've never quite been able to make a solid case for eminent domain.
Wouldn't hurt if maybe just one or two of us got eaten.
Burt, Grabboccino?
That's slander, Gummer. That's slander. Slander!
I'll invoke the Freedom of Information Act!
We'll see what's slander and what ain't!
(WRIST-SEISMOS BUZZING)
I hate that friggin' worm. Hate him.
He'll leave us alone if you just keep quiet.
(RATTLING)
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(GROWLING)
Gummer, shoot him! Shoot him, Gummer! Shoot the damn worm!
Gummer, shoot it! Shoot him!
Shoot the damn worm! Shoot it, Gummer! Shoot him!
(EL BLANCO SNARLING)
(SCREAMING)
Kill him! Kill him!
El Blanco, don't make me do it.
Gummer, he's over here!
He's gonna eat me!
Burt!
(SCREAMING)
Gummer, what are you doin'? Over here!
(EL BLANCO GROWLING)
Cover your ears!
Why?
Do it, you'll see!
(SCREAMING)
(EL BLANCO GROWLING)
(SIGHING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Burt! Wait up!
Damn, Burt, that shot was like a half a mile!
Yes, it was.
Techno-Ranch Corporation. Elko, Nevada?
Whatever it is, it's been makin' El Blanco nuts.
Who would do that?
I thought it was Twitchell.
Can't be. He wouldn't set it up so he gets himself munched.
(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING)
It's the dirt biker.
That SOB's been movin' this thing all over.
You know, there's no way we're gonna catch some dude on a dirt bike.
This dude, we will. He went up this box canyon.
It's a dead end! A man has got to know his terrain.
No, sir! No.
Up. Put 'em up! Up! Go!
What are you doin' out here? Who's behind this?
Damn it! Damn it! It wasn't supposed to go like this.
I didn't want to have to kill anybody.
(STAMMERING) Hold on. Hold on, you don't have to... Let's just talk a minute.
No. No! Get on your knees now! Do it!
(GRUNTING) Good work, son!
You got him! And it's about time.
Back off. Back off!
(EXCLAIMING) Absolutely, son. Absolutely.
Man... Hey!
Hey, I like that helmet, by the way, the whole camo-face thing.
About damn time someone got ol' Gung Ho Gummer.
(MOCK LAUGHING) Listen up, friend.
Just between you and me, since havin' to deal with this old pompous blow bag,
it's probably the last thing you wanna have to deal with.
(LAUGHING) Why don't you just shoot him!
Shoot him, come on, shoot him. Huh?
Hey, just leave it up to the old yours truly here, huh?
Give him the old work over, huh? Drive, drive, huh?
Huh, Gum? Huh? What? What? I can't... What'd you say?
(CHUCKLING) I can't hear you.
Yeah, old Gummer, what you gonna do? Come on. Get him, baby, get him.
(GUN FIRING)
(GRUNTING)
Pompous blow bag?
I was just ad-libbin', Burt, jeez.
He's gonna have to follow that streambed.
We can go over that ridge and cut him off.
And what? If we move fast.
If you wanna move fast, let me drive.
Take it.
Deal's done, man. They shot up the machine. Now, give me my money.
What do you mean, the deal's done?
And you get your money when you finish the job.
Shut that bike off!
Not until I get paid, pal.
I said shut it off!
(ENGINE REVVING)
(WRIST-SEISMO BUZZING)
(BIKER SCREAMING)
BURT: Hold on! Hold on!
Make for those rocks.
Hey, who's that?
The little turd.
Oh, him.
(WRIST-SEISMOS BUZZING)
Watch it, Burt. El Blanco is really close.
We know. What are you doin' way out here, Melvin?
Just, uh, checkin' out some of my land. In fact, you're trespassing.
You just didn't happen to see a guy on a dirt bike just now, did ya?
A dirt bike?
No. Sorry, man.
What are those tracks, then?
'Cause I thought the idea was El Blanco kills one of us
so Twitchell can move us out. But, no!
Somebody wanted us to kill El Blanco.
Say again?
You'll learn to ignore this stuff.
I don't think so.
If El Blanco became so aggressive we had to kill him in self-defense,
poof, no endangered species. No protected habitat!
And we're livin' in downtown Melville, Nevada.
You're, uh, raving, Burt. As usual.
(EL BLANCO GROWLING)
(SCOFFS)
So some idiot biker gets swallowed!
It's got nothin' to do with me.
With the little turd, always count on plausible deniability.
(EXHALES)
Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Good-bye.
Just as I thought. This thing was stolen from a company
called Techno-Ranch two weeks ago.
It was developed for the livestock industry.
Here's their website. The Model 1200 transmits a signal
to stimulate an animal's hypothalamus.
Increases the hunger response. A healthy alternative to growth hormones.
Wow. I may start eating meat again.
So, El Blanco couldn't stop eating even if he wanted to.
Mmm, this is good!
(TYLER SPEAKING MANDARIN)
They got lost on their way to Vegas, and I talked 'em into taking the tour.
Wrote out their commentary in phonetic Mandarin. We're going international.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
(TOURISTS GASPING)
You just called them all a bunch of monkey butts.